Wednesday, June 23, 2004


June 17, 2004

Ramblin’, ramblin’ round, I’m a ramblin’ guy…..

To quote on of my favorite southern “poets”, Alan Jackson, “where I come from it’s cornbread and chicken,” yes, it is, Alan — and leftovers. Everybody’s got some, whether they’re fried up or not. But where the heck do they go? Gotta put ‘em in something and get ‘em in the fridge or freezer.

Which brings me to my topic du jour. Tupperware. Everybody’s got some of that too, no matter where you come from and they get filled with cornbread and chicken and hot tamales and pizza spaghetti (never had any, but I hear it’s mighty tasty), or just plug in your own regional favorite leftover. So, we all reach for the best size Tupperware container amongst the ever-growing throng of plastic dishware hiding in our cabinets. Which brings up another pet peeve, every time I open that cabinet, half of everything falls out, then I throw it back in and slam the door quickly only to remember why I opened it in the first place. Gotta save some leftovers. So it’s lather, rinse, repeat on the falling out and slamming until I find what I think is the right combination of lid and bowl.

Now, some ingenious engineer hidden deep within the confines of Tupperware headquarters is about to start worrying and sweating. I’ve figured him out. With some help from my crack-pot staff of research assistants, the Tupperware cult is about to be exposed, broken open and put back together in a sensible manner. But please, no burping.

You see, this ingenious, element-chart reading, horn-rimmed glasses, pocket-protector wearing scientist came up with an idea a long time ago. Make the Tupperware lids out of a different material than the actual bowl or container it matches. But here’s the catch, make that lid material susceptible to heat. So when it gets hot, it shrinks. It doesn't’t take much heat, just a little and whala, you’ve got a pantry full of Tupperware bowls and lids that are just a teeny tiny bit too little and refuse to align and ever be burped again. So what does that make you do? Buy more Tupperware of course. A billion-dollar scam I’ve uncovered, hope I don’t get Hoffa’d and end up missing but keep an eye out for me in someone’s freezer in a misfitting Tupperware container.

But my crack-pot staff has come up with a remedy for this situation. It won’t help your leftovers, but it will help your love life. So invest in some good freezer bags with a Ziploc seal for your extra food and get ready for the Tupperware solution to love.

Guys, take all of your bowls and throw them away. They all have chili and spaghetti stains and came from your mom’s abundance of Tupperware anyway. Now gather your lids, or maybe just your favorite one, and head to the nearest bar. Ladies, take all of these misfitting lids and dump them in the trash. They probably have freezer tape on them with notes like “pinto beans 3/94” and “property of Thad. Herring” or something. Now gather all those bowls, or maybe just one, your favorite one, and head down to that same meeting place. Once you are there, just find the person whose lid fits your bowl or vice versa. Enough of those dimly lit, alcohol-hazed, meeting adventures. Now you can just meet the man or woman of your dreams and have at least one container that actually fits together. You can put your wedding cake in it or some pizza spaghetti and live happily ever after. That is until you get invited to another Tupperware party.

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